Originally Posted June 1, 2015
I have been struggling to write a new blog post for a little while. I came across the excerpt below, that I started last week or the week before, I forget now.
“Today I weighed out for my fourth verified Diet Bet win. I am now at 3 Kickstarter wins and one Transformer Round 1 win. I feel good.
Last weekend I hit my 30 pound milestone and decided to celebrate with a new bra, because my old one was absurdly too big. I mean, I had chest to lose, but c’mon. Let us evacuate the belly first, body. No? Oh. Well. Ok I guess.
I also celebrated by shopping in my closet. I have a bad habit of buying things online and never getting around to returning them if they don’t work. So I had a few pairs of jeans and a few tops that were various kinds of too snug. I now have two new pair of jeans which fit perfectly (score!).
Lately I’ve been feeling very down and I’ve been struggling to keep motivated. I think I have been able to pin it down, but in the mean time I’ve been trying to find a way to get my head back in the game, as it were.”
So I’m reading this, and it struck me. I have had all wins so far (um, except maybe this next weigh out… it’s not looking good right now) and I have had a lot of scale and non-scale victories.
But I don’t feel good.
I mean, I don’t feel BAD, and I generally feel fine I suppose, but the energized feelings, the jazzed feelings, the elation and the pride and the sense of accomplishment– I lost it.
I have been lax. I have been slipping more and more over the past few weeks. Last week I might as well have been an unsupervised toddler in a candy store the way I acted. I didn’t make it to the gym– I had a good reason or two, but crappy/lazy reasons or 5; I have no excuse for missing a week. So, while some of my good habits have remained solid and kept me from immediately gaining weight, it isn’t enough and it won’t last indefinetely.
And you know what? I feel pretty certain that a big part of me not feeling awesome is my diet. It’s one of those vicious cycles, where I started a new medication that’s messing with an exsisting medication plus hormones plus life plus CUPCAKES FOREVER! Etc. And right now I know I need to get back in the game. I have so many positive reasons to lose weight, and absolutely zero reasons to give up. But I don’t feel the spark. That motivating thing, whatever it is, to inspire me, to insight some dedication. So I will fake it. Fake it till you make it. Kimmying. Outside in living, just for a minute. Just till it comes back. These things are organic, sometimes. I can’t make myself WANT to work out. But I can make myself work out. So I’ll do that.
So this week is a new week. I re-started today. So far, so good.
I am not looking forward to the gym today. But I will go, and I will be fine, and I will feel glad I did afterwards.
Every journey starts with a step, yeah? Yeah.